I’m alone
Maybe I have someone to call, someone tell, someone who cares
But I don’t feel it
I feel cold, rejected, doomed
I want to cry out why, but I don’t because I know it might bring tears
Eyes water up but they told me to hide behind my glasses
Emotions aren’t okay, not today
Four thanksgivings without dad
Seven without mom
I should be used to it, desensitized
I’ll do what I should do
Here I am alone and institutionalized
I can’t remember who to ask anymore, what to say to them
There’s something about living life, old lives lived, small lies lost
Where are you?
Warm family dinners, grandma’s fine china clinking, flighty voices swirling like wind around a long mahogany table
Moments when I knew what I was thankful for and I sat there with a smile
Read off a spontaneous list
You’re those days of the year that don’t make sense anymore because I’m left with only my scattered thoughts
Don’t mind me
I’ll glare and I’ll gaze at what you have, families, children, friends, love
Where can I find that too?
I know you don’t know
My mind is a jumble of yes and no, extended hand saying don’t go
You were supposed to be there when I walked up that old childhood driveway, not a ghost
You promised
Thanksgiving with an empty chair is like nails on the chalkboard and have you ever thought that’s why I’m lost?
I’m standing on an empty stage, before a full crowd
They’re unrecognizable now
The wrong things happen, when the sun goes down, and I tremble then fall
My alarm is a soundtrack
I shuffle then wake
I can see another day, even if it’s vague, through a blurry microscope
It’s there
Building acceptance is harder than they think
Yet truth is in how you write it, and I scribble only with a purple pen
Waiting for the day that I’m not afraid to be listened to, let the tears escape until my eyes are dry
When is that day?
Can it be today?
I’ll see.