Some days I wake up
I can feel my heart race inside my chest, my hands shake, and my eyes darting around the room like there’s too much to see.
We went bowling today, and a bowling alley is not the place to be during what I call a “high energy” or “overstimulating” day. The clanking sounds of balls hitting pins, loud shrieking voices, and 2000s pop music made my head spin. Even the voices of my friends, joking and laughing, sent shivers up my spine.
When I have these days, I get nervous. I wonder why I’m suddenly unable to sit still, why I am seeing the world in blurry technicolor. Should I put a name to it? Should I give it a diagnosis? Or should I pause, and recognize that having out of focus and frenetic days is just part of myself.
My brain is running faster than my words, like a carousel out of control. It’s scary to wonder if I’ll crash, carousel horses scattered everywhere, broken. I don’t know if I’m alone, if anyone else feels this way sometimes. It’s isolating. I wonder if I’m doing something wrong, did I sleep too much? Did I drink too much tea?
It’s on these days that I feel like I should stop trying, that I should go out for a drink and let all the thoughts slide away. Yet I know how to identify destructive thoughts. I know how to play the tape forward and I watch a video of myself stumbling over my own shoes, falling onto the pavement, and losing control. My mind will quiet, and inevitably I’ll feel centered again, if only for a little while.
This is part of my experience that I have a hard time putting into words. Maybe because there aren’t any, I can’t catch up with myself long enough to write them down. I need to wait until I can breathe again, until my body stops shaking, and I can find my voice.
There is a difference between my “high energy” days and anxiety. Anxiety can also cause my chest to hurt, and my focus to shift. Anxiety, for me, is more internal. It is a conflict inside my mind about whether or not my surroundings are safe, and if I’m going to be okay. Anxiety isn’t simple but it’s different.
Days like these are difficult, they make me aware of how vastly different my moods can be, and how that is part of who I am. Sometimes I have weeks of feeling overstimulated. I have learned some ways to cope. It helps to go into a quiet place, like my room and lie in the dark listening to soft music. I do art sometimes, channel all my energy into something creative. Positive coping skills work more slowly than the negative ones, but over time I feel better. I have a piece of art or writing to look at, a diary of my day. Negative coping skills add to the chaos, while positive ones help me sit in it long enough to pick myself up.
Ultimately I know things will change, and that all I have to do is wait.