Today I’m trying to find happiness, and hope, but all I can see is rejection.
Rejection sweeps my feet off the ground, steals my breath away.
Rejection makes me feel lonely in a crowded room, and turns off all the lights except one, illuminating only me.
It tells me to hate myself, question myself, and live in a cloud of doubt.
The other day it snowed, and today I trudged through the streets, steering clear of ice, on a walk to a bookstore. I’ve been there many times. This time, however, was a bit different. I had been submitting poems to literary journals, with no response. Today, as I was drinking my almond milk mocha, my phone lit up with an email. One of my poems, was deemed not good enough, by a journal. Some group of editors had sat down and thrown it into a “no” pile. I was one of the “many” writers, they said, who were getting this email. They only publish a “fraction” of what they receive. That may be true, but the rejection still hurt.
I have been applying for jobs recently, and trying to bring structure back into my life. I got one interview, and nothing came of that. No one else has called me back, even though I feel qualified. What have I been doing wrong? Why am I not good enough?
It is hard to feel confident about myself, when my mind feels foggy and I am riddled with self doubt. I wonder if I’m a good writer at all, maybe my fans are just my friends and my friends are just tactful. It may just be one poem, or one job, but I feel helpless. I feel like the world is spinning and I can’t find my place. All I want to do is call everyone I know and find some shred of validation, somewhere. I would like to be able to find positivity, but I cannot. Rejection has trampled on it, and stamped my excitement away. I just feel hurt.
All I can do is breathe. I can let go. I sent them the poem because I felt satisfied with it. I believe that I wrote a good poem. Why do I need the world’s approval? Why do I hold the opinion of others above my own? I still don’t have the answer to that question. I never will be entirely reliant on my own self confidence. Who is?
Rejection might take the words out of my mouth, but it is resilience that helps me write them on the page.
So today I may feel rejected, but tomorrow I will find a reason to hope, yet again.