Every now and then I’ll see an old photograph of myself as a child or teenager, and it always gives me pause. I look into the eyes of the girl in the picture and think, “your life is going to change so much, in ways that you would never imagine.” I’ve had a few therapy groups in which the therapist has asked me to think about what I would tell my younger self, and the advice I would give her. Sitting here now, I’m not sure what I would say. It wouldn’t be something tangible, like “go to therapy,” “eat healthily,” or “don’t start drinking.” Who knows if younger me would even take those suggestions. I don’t even know if I would tell her what the future would bring, it’s hard to live life when you know calamity is looming. All I would want to do is impart some wisdom. All that I have learned on the road to becoming the person who I am today. The person who I would inevitably become, despite my past. What has helped me accept myself?
Dear Past Alice,
Dispense trust carefully: I’m not cautioning you against trusting others, and I’m not telling you to always be skeptical of others’ motives. I’m urging you to find a middle ground between expecting someone to always be there to pick up the pieces, and creating chaos so that you will never get close enough to anyone and never trust anyone. There is nothing worse than the constant search for unconditional love, and the ever present fear that keeps you from falling into it.
Learn to say NO: You have a warm, caring, loving personality. That is not a bad thing. Don’t give away parts of yourself to help someone else. Find those who build you up instead of drag you down. Good relationships, and friendships are reciprocal.
Love yourself: This sounds simple, but is hard. You’ll make mistakes, experience regret and pain. No matter how hard life seems, or how out of control things feel, you are always doing the best you can.
Emotions are OK: I know sometimes it’s easier to hide behind a mask, or to pretend that you don’t feel what you feel. It’s okay to be happy, or sad. It’s okay to tell others how you feel, if they truly love you, then they will stay by your side. There are ways to channel moods and emotions that are safe, and productive.
You’re not a label: The only person who can define who you are is yourself. People will call you names, diagnose you, and make you feel like you’re a category not a person. Sometimes it is easy to embrace labels, putting yourself in a box can feel more manageable, safer. Yet it’s the times when you can be who you are that make you unique and beautiful.
Help comes in all different forms: This one is simple, be open. You never know who, or what will be helpful to you. Don’t push away those who care about you, because they can be hard to find. Sometimes the mature thing to do is to recognize that you cannot do everything alone. You don’t have to be alone to be strong. You’ll learn to appreciate togetherness and community much more that you think.
Let some things go: Regret, anxiety, fear, and guilt might consume you sometimes. Don’t let it, take a moment every now and then and breathe. You’re okay, the world will not come crashing down around you just because of one misstep or mistake. Let those thoughts go, and let people go who make life so painful that it’s unbearable. You deserve happiness.
Life takes tremendous twists and turns, and I can’t wait to discover what the future will bring.
Love,
Present Moment Alice