I don’t think I’ve gone a day in the last month without saying or thinking the word “busy.” I’m busy. I feel bogged down by the smallest things in a day, partially because I have this attitude that the world is spinning and I’ll never be able to catch up. I’m scared to go to New York this weekend and put my stuff in a moving van, and I’m scared that I’m in limbo in terms of finding a job. I’m scared, but if anyone asks, I’m just busy.
I still find time to lie in bed and let tears stream down my face. I have time to watch endless mind numbing television until my eyes droop. Maybe I look productive to those on the outside, but on the inside I just feel afraid.The last time I started losing interest in things, and started hiding instead of finding ways to be bold, I sunk down into a deep long depression. My friends fell away, mostly because I just wasn’t fun anymore. I compared myself to everyone, and could never measure up. Who wants to be around that person?
The other night I had a dream in which I relapsed, and then didn’t want to tell my sponsor. I didn’t want to admit that I had 24 hours again instead of over 15 months. After I have a dream like that I wake up gasping for air, afraid that I had lost control. I called my sponsor, and we talked about how I need more of a support network in AA, and it’s true. It’s true, but I don’t want to believe her because my anxiety keeps me far away from others. It causes me to put up a wall that I wish I could tear down. I want connection, but I can’t seem to allow myself to find it.
So I’m using “being busy” as another reason to push people away. It’s just another mask to wear, another facade to build. If I’m busy, people will leave me alone. I won’t have to tell anyone that I’m feeling disillusioned with my life, that I’m feeling stuck. My poetry feels flat, and my job prospects do not look as good as I thought. I feel alone even though I’m surrounded by people, I feel lost even though it looks like my life is all planned out.
“I’m busy” is an answer that everyone can relate to, that everyone understands. “I’m busy” is acceptable. All I really want to do right now is be acceptable. So I’m going to keep saying “I’m busy” and hide under my facade, until maybe “I’m busy” will be all that I am. “I’m busy” will be true. That’s all I can do.