Last weekend I went to New York City, where I previously lived. My trip was mainly to clean stuff out of my old apartment, finally after a year and a half of letting it sit empty. I left New York after a manic episode that led me to hospitalization and treatment for a very long time. Although New York is “home” it is also home to a bunch of bad memories. Every street I walk down has a ghost of the past lingering somewhere. Memories of drunken moments, lonely days, and fear of the unknown. I brought a friend that I have met through volunteering and work along with me. I lacked support in the past, and having it now is essential to my recovery.
New York City and I have a tumultuous relationship. I will always love it, but I will also never forget the feeling of my life unraveling fast like a neat ball of yarn. Today, in this moment, I have a house, car and job now. Despite my relative stability, returning to New York made me sad. It made me regret every tiny bad decision, even though the bad decisions are what have made me strong.
My first day in New York was tinged with that mild sadness.
The second day was better, the sun rose and I was uplifted. My friend and I went to an AA meeting, my second ever in New York City. I sat next to an older woman, who reminded me a bit of my maternal grandmother. I began to talk about the regret and fear I had been facing. She looked at me very deliberately and said “but you could make new memories now.” I smiled and for a moment the rain outside felt cleansing, like it was wiping the sidewalks free of my clutter, of my ghosts. Maybe my story, my journey in New York isn’t done. Maybe it can be different, warm instead of cold, with sobriety as something to grasp and not let go.
The third day was the day the movers came, and I sat looking at people packing all of my stuff. I thought to myself “why do I have all this stuff?” I am very much not excited for the stuff to wind up at my little house, it’s still in storage but it’s coming very soon. Anyway, we went to another meeting, this one NA. It was animated and interesting, but it lasted an hour and a half and we were so tired. Did I mention we didn’t get to sleep in at all on this trip? What??
On the fourth day we packed up our stuff and sat on our suitcases in order for them to zip. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop shopping. What can I say? The plane took off and we landed back home in our little city. My heart lifted a bit, because this is where I’m meant to be, at least for this moment. I’m not running back to New York anytime soon. Maybe someday.
I learned a bunch of lessons, things I need to work on, to better myself. Humility: I want to be able to see everyone in the same light. People shouldn’t be judged by the labels they wear and the places they frequent. Everyone is in their own position, but we can all understand each other emotionally, at least that’s my opinion. I need to pursue my passion, peer support. I need to learn what I really need, and really want.
I need to breathe and not get caught up in the future. What I accomplished was three days in New York completely sober and completely healthy. I let things play out instead of micromanaging, and I let myself have a good time. That’s important to note.
When I opened the door of my house, put my feet on the ground and greeted my roommate I realized that I’m where I need to be, just for today.