I just got a text from one of my good friends, alerting me that Kate Spade (prominent fashion designer) had killed herself. Kate Spade’s handbags, as trivial as it may sound, carried me through my adolescence into adulthood. I remember on my sixteenth birthday receiving this little green plastic purse from my mom’s cousin Randi. That bag lit up my life, it made me feel beautiful – like an adult. I felt joy, even though I was celebrating an important birthday without my mother or maternal grandmother.
My grandma, a vibrant artist and remarkable woman, had died right around my sixteenth birthday. I was crushed, but we hadn’t packed up her apartment yet. So I decided to have my party there, with pink and green plates and a view of the ocean. I kept waiting for her to walk through the door, and say “hellooooo” in her musical “queen of england meets Long Island” accent. We had countless family gatherings in that space, smiled, laughed. Yet it held sad memories for me too, tears flowing down my face while saying goodbye as she slowly faded away, dying of ovarian cancer.
Kate Spade followed me as I grew up. I unwrapped a bright pink wallet from my brother on our first Christmas after my father died. Carried around a black purse with a bow as I ran through New York City like a cyclone. During my manic episode I purchased a neon pink and orange clutch with a gold chain. My bags even reflected my moods!
When I moved to where I live now, and started over – I purchased a large cranberry colored canvas bag, able to carry the contents of my new colorful life.
Whenever I hear that someone has killed themselves, it causes my heart to sink. It causes me to picture my father in his last moments, probably afraid and probably in intense pain. This week in the dual diagnosis support group that I run at work, we talked about stigma. Whenever I hear about a suicide, I wonder…would this have happened in a stigma free world? A world where we could openly discuss our struggles and our pain? I’m going to do everything I can to educate the world about mental health challenges… and Kate Spade will be with me every step of the way.